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✘ Thoughts of A Stranger

The thoughts of a 30-something year old

July 17, 2025 Leave a Comment

Taking My Medication Again

It’s been almost a year since I last took my ADHD meds. I stopped taking them because they caused insomnia and later made excuses not to take them, claiming I didn’t need them or that they’d disrupt my sleep schedule again.

When I stopped taking my medications, I was in a bit of a whirlwind. I was in a toxic friendship that blurred my judgment about what matters. I understood that I was struggling to manage my emotions and was seeking dopamine from the friendship, repeating a pattern I believed I’d overcome.

What’s most ironic about that time of my life is that I was aware that what I was feeling and going through wasn’t my “normal.” I kept comparing my feelings to being a teenager again, and at the time I couldn’t understand why.

In the back of my mind, I kept telling myself that things would be better once I was able to take medication again. But the irony was that I missed my medication because I knew it would help me cope with the discomfort the friendship caused. Without going too deep into it, it’s now obvious the individual’s goal was to dysregulate me in hopes of gaining control and fostering dependency.

After the friendship ended and I was able to regulate myself again, the thought of “Well, maybe I don’t need my medication” began. I felt I didn’t need them because my workload was lighter, and I was focused on passion projects that motivated me. However, as is with all things that provide dopamine, the dopamine stops at some point.
A few months ago, I noticed I was losing motivation and having more lulls. Essentially, I began to feel like things were worthless and that there was no point to living. Although I haven’t crashed to the low of suicidal ideation, recognizing my history, it wasn’t out of the question. I began to adjust my sleep routine to get ready to take my medication again.

While the medications I take don’t treat depression, oftentimes a lack of dopamine feels like depression, which the medications help me retain. When I began my medication, I told my friends I felt more content and stopped seeking out joy or entertainment. I was able to just… exist. It was a completely new feeling for me and I would often get overstimulated or overwhelmed when I would try to seek entertainment. Even right now as I type this, there was music on in the background which I’ve had to turn off because I was getting too overwhelmed.

I believe the medications don’t increase my overstimulation; they help me realize when I’m overstimulated. Listening to music while writing can be distracting; I would have likely worn myself out by keeping it on instead of turning it off to concentrate. On the flip side, earlier when doing data entry, I was able to recognize that the medication in tandem with some low-volume music was able to carry me through the task with great ease. A task that normally takes a few hours took me a maximum of 30 minutes, and although I wanted to stop several times, I was able to remind myself that I was getting closer to being done.

Speaking of tasks, I already feel much more motivated today. I woke up very groggy, with a lot of brain fog, and was ready to waste the day; however, as soon as the medication kicked in, I felt the need to move around and even felt like I could go for a long walk or even a jog. It feels different from a caffeine buzz; it’s more about being aware of your energy and having fewer intrusive thoughts. I still feel somewhat tired, realistically, probably because I haven’t caught up on sleep.

Many people on ADHD meds state that they have difficulty eating or that they never feel hungry. I am personally hyper aware of my hunger, and I always feel hungry. I’m not sure what it is, but nicotine and caffeine also don’t seem to suppress my appetite, so perhaps this is similar. I wonder if I’m always hungry because reading and writing take up a lot of energy for me due to my dyslexia. I don’t take medication if I’m not working on something that involves reading or writing. Though I did on one family vacation where my surroundings overstimulated me to the point of panic attacks. I experimented with immediate-release medications in an effort to stabilize my situation. I cannot remember all of the sensations from the trip; however, I do remember it allowed me to dull the outside noise and focus on the people in front of me, so I was not overwhelmed by my surroundings. I don’t remember being hungry all of the time during that trip, so I’m more certain that my appetite has some direct correlation to what I’m working on. When I would work on certain types of writing, I would need a “top-up” of my medication somewhere inside of the work period. Essentially, things that are more factual or require deliberate choices of words would consume so much energy/medication that I was unable to complete the task without a “pick-me-up,” often treated by a half-to-full dose of the quick release medication.

Now, if I get hungry while I’ve been medicated for a few hours, I find it extremely difficult to eat. Without medication, I am typically unaware of my hunger pains and will rarely notice my stomach growling. I am acutely aware of both when I’ve taken my medications. The issue is that I often get extreme nausea after a few hours. Essentially, every time I think about eating beyond a point I begin to want to throw up, although I recognize that my energy levels are starting to deplete and I’m beginning to get emotional. For added context, I’m someone who will literally cry or get quiet when I’m very hungry. Instead of being “hangry,” I get the symptoms you’d see with depression. In the past, this has manifested as me going as far as refusing to eat or ending up in bed with suicidal ideation, weeping. The weirdest part about it is I’m not always aware that it stemmed from hunger, and it was my husband who helped me recognize that I hadn’t eaten for several hours.

If I do not eat before I take medication or shortly after I take medication, I immediately crash and get depressed. It feels like a day I have not taken my medication; however, the medication makes me acutely aware of all sensations. So, I’m hyper-aware of the sadness, the hunger pains, and will get into a bout of hopelessness and existential dread. This is why I always make sure I only take medications when I can eat in the morning, which is not always possible as I do experience general nausea from G.I. problems that I’m still working on getting diagnosed. It’s uncertain whether the nausea I have on medications is from the G.I. problems or from the medication itself.

As a final note, I sometimes get anxiety symptoms when I take my medication. Heart palpitations and rapid breath are most common. These mostly happen if I’m unable to begin spending my energy immediately; however, sometimes they can happen if I don’t find a task stimulating enough. I’ll often drink green tea to help alleviate the symptoms, and while it doesn’t always help, it does typically “take the edge off.” What is more likely to help is for me to spend time being physical by doing things like playing with my cats, gardening, or getting on my feet and dancing.

The biggest difference between being medicated and unmedicated for me is being able to complete tasks. Unmedicated, I will typically switch my focus multiple times, resulting in a task taking an excess amount of time, while medicated, I will typically finish in a shorter period and will be able to complete something fully in one try.

So what are my hopes now that I am back on medication? Well, realistically, I hope that it’s going to be a lot easier for me to regulate my emotions again. I hope that with the dopamine the medication is able to help me retain, I will be able to find contentment in the projects I’ve already started, in the hope of giving me the fuel to continue them instead of starting new projects for a dopamine hit. Something I haven’t mentioned yet, but I hope that it helps me rely less on food to cheer me up, as that has been a major coping mechanism I have been using lately. I hope it leads to me not wasting my whole day staring at a wall and questioning what the point of waking up tomorrow is. I hope it helps me break the routine I currently have of overexhausting myself to the point of burnout and then needing to recuperate by spending days in a row just gaming or doing nothing.

I’m also ready to be able to do the small tasks I’m never able to do when I’m unmedicated, such as showering regularly or doing small chores around the house. Although seemingly disgusting to admit, self-care is stressful and difficult for me to do unmedicated. I will live in a state of disarray because I am unable to do the tasks that keep me healthy and happy. Small things like vacuuming, taking showers, or feeding myself are typically the hardest.

I’m aware that the medication isn’t just going to solve these problems and that it’s not just going to happen overnight, but I’m also aware that I was in a healthier place before I stopped taking my medications and was absorbed by the bad habit of chasing dopamine to medicate.

So now it’s time for me to shower and continue my day. Thank you for reading, and I hope to give you more updates as I continue this second attempt at taking my medication.

Addition when proofreading the next day: After completing all of my work, I was able to spend 7 hours outside walking, which is the most active I have been in years. Day 1 was a success.

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Filed Under: ADHD

About Johnny Salib

Johnny is a 30-something-year-old blogger, writer and composer. In Johnny's downtime he's an avid video gamer and a complete pet person.

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about thoughts of a strange

Thoughts of a Stranger is penned by Johnny Salib and catalogues unrelated thoughts on topics he wants to flesh out. Though topics are unrelated they often pertain to ADHD and self discovery.

Category of Ramblings

© 2017–2025 Thoughts of a Stranger is written by Johnny Salib.