This week I had a conversation with a faceless, completely blank profile that went like this:
Me: Mind showing me a pic of your face?
Him: no hey back? no hru? just want a pic? ur fucking rude.
And while I probably should have ended the conversation there, I continued.
Me: Sorry, I’m not really into chatting up faceless profiles. Hasn’t gone well in the past and probs not gonna go well in the future. So I ask again, pic?
Him: I don’t send pics. Top or Btm?
Me: Sorry, no pic no chat
Him: shallow bitch
Now, I get discretion. I get being careful about who knows about your sexuality (or gender identity), but really? How is asking someone to show you a picture of their face shallow, or rude? And why would you expect someone to continue having a conversation with you (after they requested a photo) if you don’t show that person who you are?
In the past, I’ve gotten some pretty fucked up messages from faceless profiles. One was from an alleged TTC streetcar driver who messaged saying, “Were you just on the 501? You got a nice ass I’d like to pound.” Which freaked me the fuck out, because I had just been on the 501… and when I asked him for a face picture he told me, “Can’t. I’m the driver. Will get fired.” So why the fuck did you message me man? One profile took pictures of me and sent them to me. I immediately blocked the profile, which thinking back… I probably shouldn’t have done and tried to find a way to report them because that’s just blatantly stalking someone. Or my favourite stories is one that I actually shared in a vlog on Brett & Abbey where I actually went on a date with a faceless profile.
And it’s stupid of me to answer faceless profiles, but I still do. And I find it so weird that so many of them ask to “meet you on corners of streets” and “if you don’t like what I look like you can just leave.” Why the fuck would I trust you? You’re a person who won’t show me who you are. How will I know that you’re not going to try to do something to me? How will I know who I’m looking/waiting for? Why are you trying to get me to leave the house so I can decide whether or not I find you my type? Why are you not thinking about the safety of the other person?Are you worried that I’m going to screencap our conversation and tell everyone you’re gay? Because if I was an asshole like that, I could just take a picture of you after our date or whatever or post your facebook pictures all over the web saying that we fucked. It really, really doesn’t make sense to me. And again, this isn’t me trying to discretion shame. But I don’t think this has anything to do with discretion as much as it has to do with safety and comfort.
When approaching me, discretion I understand is the following:
- Faceless profile who states what they are looking for in the bio (not necessary, but helpful)
- A person who will show you their face if asked, especially because cyber-stalking and catfishing are rampant nowadays.
- A person who lays out the boundaries of:
- This is what I’m comfortable with you sharing
- This is what you can’t talk about with other people
- This is where we stand after our meet up
- This is how we need to act in public
- This is where we need to meet and the way I would feel most comfortable to date/hookup/hang-out/etc.
I talked to K about this particle circumstance and he plainly explained, “Well it might just be the fact that they aren’t comfortable putting themselves in a situation that allows you to use photos that they sent you to expose them.” Which is when I re-brought up: Well there’s Facebook, and social media. Finding someone isn’t difficult at all, especially if you have mutual friends or even know their first name. And while I completely agree, yes… it makes sense that someone would want to protect themselves from being outed by not sending you a picture of themselves, but it still doesn’t make sense to me for the safety of the person being pursued.
I mean, there is no moral to this. Everyone needs to do what they need to do to feel safe. It’s just something I don’t understand. So, if you do let me know. Is there something I’m not seeing or am I just feeling sour because I got called a “Shallow Bitch.”
Alright. That’s it. Enough complaining :’) Discreet or not, stay safe out there and please don’t be dicks to people for no reason.