I haven’t been sleeping properly for the past four days. I keep waking up to those jolty nightmares, but all the dreams have been about the same thing… certain family members and the shit they keep putting each other through.
I’m not close to any of my family members. I tend to keep myself secluded from them. It’s one of those, “If you can choose your friends, why can’t you choose your family?” situations. If I don’t get along with them, or if I have drastically different views on the world and how you should treat people… why should I associate? And if spending time with them makes me unhappy, why should I force myself to sit in the same room as them.
I’ll admit, I do get a lot of third party information about my family and all the happenings, but I never thought that it would weigh as much as it does on me. You know? You’d think that I could be apathetic to the situations yet, my subconscious seems to be thinking about them and is reminding me that they exist. My subconscious keeps reminding me that there is this group of people that keep trying to screw each other over to “better their lives” and releases it in my dreams.
The dreams have held a lot of anger. A lot of me yelling at the main family members trying to make them understand how messed up the dynamics are and how many lies and secrets they are trying to keep away from other family members. But that’s the thing… why do I care so much? I see these people a maximum of once a year. I don’t care to make it more and they definitely don’t have an interest in me.
What’s worst is the fact that I know that they have been called out on the bs and they just don’t listen. They haven’t had the “Aha!” moment. And when bad things happen to them they expect the family that they screwed over to drop everything and help. And they do. They do and then they complain that these members are toxic or that they are crazy or wrong. So, why do you help? Why do you not let them learn that it’s not okay to fuck with other people? And I know, “you should always be kind to others,” and “do unto others as you want them to do unto you.” But fuck that. If someone is constantly fucking with you and is constantly hurting you, you have to separate yourself from them. You literally owe them nothing. You are not dependent on them. You do not even live in the same household. You just blow shit up for other people, just because you can. And somehow, I still care. Somehow I still need to process the events whether I’m awake or not. Somehow seeing someone once a year makes my mind spin. (Even though I haven’t seen them in months.) Why?