I’ve been feeling like a machine as of late. I’ve gotten myself on a pretty strict routine to make sure I get all the work I need to do done. I do take breaks, don’t get me wrong, but even those feel like they’re routine and I feel like I can’t break out of the habit.
I’m a creature of pattern, an addict, and I build schedules and routines that I stick to and sometimes I don’t even realize I’ve built a routine until I feel like the machine I am and want to break away from it.
I don’t see people a lot anymore, and I think it’s starting to really bother me. I would say in the past 3 years I have probably made about 2 “in real life friends” and I leave the house to see people about… once every 3 months? Not good.
This week the song “This is my City” by Timothy Victor kept playing in my head.
Turning my memories
Hoping to find out
where all the loyalty’s gone
The friends that I had then
Turned into strangers
Thinking of you all along
It made think about how I find it hard for me to keep friends. I have major trust issues, but who doesn’t as a millennial. When I feel like I can’t trust people, I bury myself in work and usually it’s not work that I enjoy doing or really care for, it’s just work for the sake of working. Work that makes me feel like I have a purpose since I’m trying to get over my insecurities of friendships that are falling apart.
I guess this week it makes sense for me to feel like a machine as I discovered one of my close friends has been lying to me for months about… well everything and I don’t know how to exactly approach the situation. So, I buried myself in work. It’s what I do best. And then I shut down by thinking about the other friendships that have fallen apart or just friends I haven’t seen in a very long time.
When I was younger and I felt like this I would take walks at 2 or 3 in the morning. I’d walk around the park and clear my head. I haven’t done that in a long time. I actually feel like as I got older I started to lock myself in my apartment more because I felt guilty for leaving since I could have been working. And I don’t think it’s healthy.
I wouldn’t say I’m stir crazy or anything, I would say that I would probably benefit from more in person hangouts with people.
I guess I’m being a bit hard on myself because I have recently started seeing some old friends again, but I kind of look back at the days before K and I started dating, when I used to see friends at least 3 times a week and question what was different then? Was it because I had a job downtown which made it easier to see friends? Is it because my insecurity causes me to want to pull away from seeing people? Is it because I feel like I don’t need to see people because I live with the most important person in my life? Is it because I’m just too lazy to leave the house and see people? Is it because I know that I need to be focussing on setting up my future to make sure I can do the things I want to do later? Does any of it matter?
I mean I am proud of the things I’ve accomplished in the past few days. I ended up discovering a number of new techniques while editing music for instance. And I should be proud. I should be happy about all the things I’m doing, but I’m not. I feel like I’m running in circles and I can’t get anywhere. And it’s funny because I want to stop writing this blog right now, but that’s what I always do. I always stop writing. I always encourage myself that this is stupid and that I should be doing something else, but then I’m always right back at the beginning.
So what do I do?
How do I make this my town? How do I make this my city? How do I make this the place where I belong?
I don’t know yet, but it needs to be what I’m focussing on. Because life feeling like a machine or feeling unhappy doesn’t make sense.
On a side note, I think I want to share my work progress with you. Show you the terrible versions of demos I create and where they go. Document my trials and errors. Does that sound interesting? I feel like if I don’t, I’m never going to release anything.
Alright, might as well post this before I regret it. Have a good night folks and thanks for reading.