Stranger to Myself

All of my life I have kept journals. I have an obsession with keeping track of my thoughts and have the fear of losing my memory. One of the reasons for my fear of memory loss is the fact that Alzheimer’s runs in my family.

I’ve never been good at remembering things. I didn’t do well in school and I have a hard time trying to memorise even the simplest things. Sometimes I can’t remember what task I was about to do or what I needed to buy from the store or if I ate anything that day. My memory fails me constantly.

I’ve tried tricks to help my memory. I play Sudoku often, test myself with basic math quizzes and play card games when I get the chance.

I have a hard time remembering bits and pieces of my past. I look back at my journals and I don’t recognise people’s names or the events that took place and it scares me.

I’m an anxious person. I don’t like sharing my thoughts frequently because I’m afraid that they will be used against me. I try to be as vocal as possible, but I often let my fears consume me.

I write plays for a living. I speak my thoughts though characters. They’re my scapegoats. They are a way of sharing my ideas with others.

Recently I’ve been thinking of quitting theatre. The industry makes me anxious and I’m surrounded by individuals who are struggling to pay bills. I’m afraid that one day I’m not going to be able to pay my bills. I am also afraid that I’m never going to get my break and that I am not talented enough to have a sustainable career. I spend too much time looking at where others are and questioning why I’m not in the same place, even though I’m sure they have their problems too.

I lose myself often. I don’t know where I stand. I don’t know how I’m feeling. I often let others tell me how I’m feeling. I often work myself to the point of panic attacks and breakdowns. I often give up on passion projects because I don’t think they are good enough.

I often work myself to the point of panic attacks and breakdowns. I’m scared that if I stop working I’m going to miss my chance to better myself or to succeed in the career path I’ve chosen. I take jobs that don’t pay fairly and sacrifice my integrity and sanity because “at least I have a job.”

I constantly start passion projects, but I often give up on them because I don’t think they are good enough.

I often feel like I don’t know the first thing about myself. I don’t know what I believe or what I want to do with my life.

For these reasons I feel like I am a stranger to myself and I hope that this form of documentation helps me understand myself better.